GO Satire: A Guide to Dumpster Diving – The Pilgrimage

You, the one with the face reading this article, are falling into one of the following schools of thought upon reading the title above: “This dirty hippie of an author needs a job,” “this is where I see myself in five years,” or “my mind is telling me no, but my body is telling me ‘sweet, sweet dumpster, where have you been all my broke college years?’”

 

Behind every great capitalistic manifestation, there is an even greater dumpster.  Feast your eyes on the tragedy that is food waste in America: 40% of the food we produce on this great land is THROWN AWAY. How does this add up?
Expiration dates + aesthetics  =  “our rubbish runneth over and we don’t give a heck.”

 

Despite Bill Clinton’s Good Samaritan Law that was passed to “protect the donor and the recipient agency against liability” when donating food to a non-profit, America still feels okay with tossing perfectly delicious meals in the garbage. That’s where you, the one with the face and moral compass and deficient bank account, dive in…

 

Here are the 5 simple steps to achieving your DIY Buffet:

 

  1. SCOUT the premises: Are there cameras? Is there an easy way in and out? Does the store use a compactor (a slip and slide for inanimate objects that ends badly)? Are the dumpsters locked? When is garbage pickup day so that you can get the most bang without paying a buck?
  2. SLAP on a headlamp and toss on some ninja apparel and be quick. If the dumpster is fenced in or has a “No Trespassing” sign, that’s some risky business. This means it falls more into the realm of private property (absurd, I know). If not, you should be mostly good to go.
  3. BE polite and calm if anyone starts to question you. If they ask you to leave, do so accordingly. There are many more fish in the sea and many more foods to be freed!
  4. BRING a buddy! One to snag the goods and another to drive the getaway car… and another to document it for the Insta’ with the caption “Edward 40 Hands down this is the most exhilarating and infuriating American experience.”
  5. PREPARE to do some prepping when you return to the homestead. There will be mold or bruises on some of your freshly acquired groundscores. Sort out the good, the bad, and the ugly. Give the keepers a good old fashioned once over and host yourself a little “Dumpluck,” whydontcha? Or better yet! Check your privilege and ask yourself if you need this food more than others. If not, bring the donations to a place like Daily Bread Soup Kitchen at 116 N. First Street in Champaign between the hours of
    8 a.m.– 1 p.m. any day of the week!

 

Stay Lit, Stay Woke

Do this thing

When you are broke

But please give back

When you do not lack

And never forget

Capitalism did this

Be the first to comment

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published.


*