The state of Illinois released a report today confirming what many already knew – the weather has come down with a small case of serious mental illness and is seeking treatment. As a valued (if sometimes temperamental) member of communities from the windswept skyscrapers of Chicago to the sunny arch of St. Louis, people from every county voiced their support. In fact, many took the day off of work to stand vigil, wearing cargo shorts and v-necks in the middle of February.
At the University of Illinois, prospective beachgoers gathered on the Main Quad to have a ‘solidarity barbeque’ for the force of nature. Many in town had not expected the weather to lash out like this, and seemed ill-prepared. Said one student, “it just feels so unfair, you know? My bikini body is nowhere near ready – I wish for once the climate would think of us before changing!” As the slip-n-slides were unrolled and beer coolers fished out of car trunks, many students were observed getting a quick workout in to burn those last few calories.
The environment, which has taken some heat lately from Republican President Donald Trump, was not available for an interview. However, the GO was able to obtain transcripts from multiple sessions between the atmosphere and a trained specialist, sometimes referred to as a ‘meteorologist’.
“It’s just, I feel like I’m turning into a whole new person!”, the collection of atmospheric gases and particulates wails. “One day, I’m as sunny as can be, and a couple of days later I’m ready to freeze some extremities! It’s just so aggravating knowing how annoyed everyone is with me but not being able to help it!”
The meteorologist has released a peer-reviewed paper describing his results. This document places the blame for the weather’s dissociative disorder almost entirely on humanity’s shoulders. It also cites similar case studies done by hundreds of thousands of scientists all over the world, depicting a veritable epidemic. One quote, pulled from a study done on Michigan’s weather, said:
“We have seen sharp rises in schizophrenic, dissociative, and bipolar disorders in the last hundred years or so, almost directly correlating with the Industrial Revolution. There is no other conclusion to be drawn – humans must act for the good of our weatherly stewards, and reverse their negative effects on climate change.” When beachgoers around the state were presented with this information, many of them seemed surprised that they should take personal responsibility for causing so much pain and suffering. When asked what they would do about it, slightly more than half of the people surveyed patted themselves on the back and offered to buy this reporter a corndog.
Governor Bruce Rauner’s office released a statement in support of the climate, but declined to outline any concrete methods by which the state would help treat the environment.